Postpartum Depression is a real heartbreak. Seriously, you want to be happy because you just gave birth to a beautiful baby but there is something holding you back and it takes over you. Imagine not wanting to hold your baby or spend time with them, even when it took you years to get pregnant. It is the worst feeling in the world and relying on medication to make you feel happy just seems wrong. I have been dealing with postpartum depression since getting pregnant with my baby boy. My doctors thought it was likely because my hormones were not yet back to normal since I just had his sister only a few months before. Anyway, I’m not posting about this to get sympathy but to make others aware of what I did not know.

I had switched medications on and off and it got to the point where my side effects were just adding up and I still wasn’t feeling happy. I decided to talk to my doctor about stopping my medication to see if this might help me instead of keeping me feeling like I’m in a fog 24/7 and forcing myself to be happy. I noticed a difference instantly! I was feeling like myself again, wanting to hang out with friends, and I felt genuinely happy. I even started to feel emotional thinking about my absence from my friends’ lives. I was not acting myself, didn’t care to check up on them, and made excuses about going out, then the waterworks would start with my anxiety about what everyone was thinking about me. Finally, I took the leap to end the medication and it was the best decision for me.

Everything seemed like it was perfect again in my mind. I began sleeping again, I wanted to hang out with my friends, kiss my baby’s cheeks constantly, and I had the energy to clean and exercise! Then all the side effects hit me again. But didn’t I just get off the medication because of some of these same side effects? Yes, apparently your body can go into withdrawal from the medication and it gives you additional side effects or sometimes, even the same side effects. Of course, it couldn’t be this easy. Some of my side effects before included gaining weight. I got off my medication thinking it would help with this. Come to find out, getting off the medication can also cause me to gain weight! Seriously? Life is not fair. I wish I knew all of this beforehand because it really hurt me to feel happy but then self-conscious about how I looked. If I knew more about this before I could have mentally prepared myself. The biggest obstacle with stopping my medication is this feeling of dizziness. I start to get nauseous when it comes on and everything seems almost like a blur. Like I’m not fully present in my body. It is the worst feeling ever. Then the headaches turned to migraines and OMG, I have never had a migraine before but it is awful. I had no idea how awful of a feeling this could be.

If you are someone who does not want to hold your baby, hang out with friends, gets anxious from the idea of going into the grocery store, cries for no reason, or is constantly feeling sick then it might be time to talk to the doctor. I am one who cannot talk to a stranger about my issues so therapy was out of the question. I never wanted to take medication but it really did help me for a short amount of time. Don’t wait to get the help you need, but also know when to stop. Trust yourself, you know what is best for your body.